All relationships are different. People may gravitate toward each other for different reasons and build completely different models of interaction. The first people we get attached to are our parents, and even when we grow up, we may still get attached to other people in the same way.
When talking about attachment in adulthood, we usually mean romantic relationships. Psychologists have studied attachment for many years, and the attachment theory developed in the 1960s and 1970s became a basis for our understanding of this concept.
According to this theory, there are four major attachment styles. In this article, we will consider them in detail and think of how attachment styles affect romantic relationships.
What Attachment Is
People are a social species so we always seek contact with others. We are looking for comfort, support, and love in others, and our sense of belonging is one of our main driving forces.
Our ancestors became attached to each other because building strong relationships was beneficial in terms of survival and reproduction. Although relationships between people became more complicated, the benefits of a healthy attachment didn’t go anywhere.
Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby made a significant contribution to researching the concept of attachment. According to Bowlby, attachment is a long-lasting connection between people.
Bowlby considered attachment in the context of the psychoanalytic theory and concluded that attachment that we experience in childhood continues to influence our behavior and relationships even when we grow up.
Therefore, if you have relationship problems and realize that your romantic relationships resemble your childhood experiences, a good solution is to talk to a therapist. For example, you can try online therapy so that you won’t even need to commute to a therapist’s office.
Given that the way we form attachments as children influences our relationships in the future, people may have different attachment styles. In the 1990s, psychologists Leonard Horowitz and Kim Bartholomew came up with a model of attachment styles that featured four categories:
- Ambivalent attachment;
- Secure attachment;
- Avoidant-dismissive attachment;
- Disorganized attachment.
Let’s consider these categories in more detail to understand why we get attached to our partners and stay together.
Types of Attachment Styles
1. Secure attachment
People with this attachment style demonstrate high emotional intelligence and usually don’t have any problems with expressing their feelings and receiving expressions of affection from their partners.
This attachment style allows partners to establish healthy boundaries and handle disagreements in a constructive way, as partners tend to view their relationship in a positive light.
Although this attachment style represents a mature approach to relationships, that doesn’t mean that people with this style don’t have any relationship problems. There are no perfect relationships, and every couple has its ups and downs.
If something bothers you but you don’t think that the situation is serious enough to visit a counselor, the truth is that all of us need help sometimes. You can read more about counseling services to know what to expect from couples counseling.
2. Anxious-preoccupied (ambivalent) attachment
Around 20% of people have this attachment style. These people experience insecure attachment and often feel nervous about their relationships, including the romantic ones.
This attachment style makes partners particularly prone to various stress factors. In turn, constant stress often leads to mood swings, jealousy, obsessiveness, control issues, etc.
Anxiety-induced automatic negative thinking may lead to blaming and conflicts. Moreover, people with the ambivalent attachment style may sometimes make up reasons for conflicts to seek acceptance and validation.
The unhealthy nature of this attachment style can make a person end up in an abusive relationship. For instance, givers in codependent relationships often have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
If this is your attachment style and you have a history of difficult relationships, you should be aware of the common signs of a toxic relationship. Toxic and abusive relationships don’t necessarily include physical abuse. For instance, abusers often use financial control, social isolation, gaslighting, and various kinds of manipulation.
3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment
People with this attachment style are highly independent in terms of both emotions and behavior. Being close to someone else can make them feel vulnerable, which is a reason why such people often struggle to find relationships that would work for them.
This attachment style also means that a person is unlikely to prioritize relationships, focusing on work, hobbies, and personal goals instead. Such people may have problems with commitment. Sometimes, such people are also narcissistic or passive-aggressive.
4. Fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment
Quite often, the fearful-avoidant attachment style develops as a result of various negative experiences, such as abuse, grief, or abandonment. People with this attachment style often face inner conflict, seeking and resisting intimacy at the same time.
Such people often struggle with a lack of self-confidence and find it very difficult to rely on others. Just like people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, these people may also constantly be suspicious of their partners’ words, actions, and intentions.
This attachment style also has something in common with the dismissive-avoidant style, as people with this style of attachment often avoid close relationships with others.
Final Thoughts
These are the four main attachment styles with some of their distinctive features. However, that doesn’t mean that all people from the same category get attached similarly. Most people demonstrate attachment styles to a certain degree. Moreover, the way you get attached to others may change over time.
Although the secure attachment style creates the best opportunities for building strong relationships, people with other attachment styles may also succeed in relationships. The main thing is to develop self-awareness and be ready to work on your relationship.
If you want to keep your romantic relationship strong, don’t hesitate to ask for help. A licensed therapist can help you figure out what factors may impact your relationship and find appropriate solutions.
A great thing about therapy is that it can be delivered remotely so you won’t need to commute to a therapist’s office. Online therapy platforms like Calmerry enable you to get the necessary help from virtually anywhere so it’s a great solution for people with tight work schedules. Learn more about therapy to get ready for your first session.